Navigating Holidays After Loss
The holidays can be the most wonderful time of the year, unless you're grieving. When you've lost someone you love, the twinkling lights, festive music, and cheerful celebrations can feel like salt in an open wound. Everyone around you seems happy and excited, while you're just trying to survive another day without the person who made these traditions meaningful.
At Be Seen Therapy, we understand that grief doesn't follow a calendar, and the pressure to be joyful during the holidays can make your loss feel even more profound. Whether this is your first holiday season after loss or your tenth, navigating this time requires compassion, flexibility, and permission to honor both your grief and your need for moments of peace.
Understanding Holiday Grief
Holiday grief hits differently than everyday grief. During regular weeks, you might find ways to cope, distract yourself with work, or simply move through your routines. But holidays are designed to bring families together, to celebrate traditions, and to create memories. When someone is missing from that picture, their absence becomes magnified.
"Griefbursts" are sudden, intense waves of emotion that can catch you completely off guard. You might be fine one moment, then see a decoration your loved one always put up, hear their favorite song, or smell a familiar scent, and suddenly you're overwhelmed. These moments are normal, expected, and part of the grieving process. They don't mean you're not healing or that you're doing something wrong.
The holidays also come with built-in triggers: family photos that now have an empty space, recipes passed down through generations that no one makes quite the same way, or annual events where their absence is impossible to ignore. Understanding that these feelings are a natural response to loss can help you be more gentle with yourself when they arise. Our grief and loss counseling helps you navigate these intense emotions with compassion and practical strategies.
The Pressure of "Normal" Celebrations
One of the most difficult aspects of holiday grief is the pressure from others, and sometimes from yourself, to celebrate "normally." Well-meaning friends and family might say things like "They would want you to be happy" or "It's time to move on and enjoy the holidays again." While these comments come from a place of caring, they can feel dismissive and hurtful.
The truth is, there's no timeline for grief. Society often gives us about a year to grieve, maybe two if it was particularly tragic, and then expects us to return to "normal." But anyone who has experienced significant loss knows that grief doesn't work that way. The second, third, or even tenth holiday without your loved one can sometimes feel as difficult as the first.
You don't have to pretend to be okay when you're not. You don't have to attend every party, host the traditional dinner, or maintain all the same customs if they feel too painful. Your grief is valid, your feelings matter, and you have every right to honor them in whatever way feels authentic to you. If you're struggling with depression or anxiety alongside your grief, professional support can help you find your way through.
Creating New Traditions
While honoring your loss is important, finding ways to create new traditions can help you move through the holiday season with a bit more ease. This doesn't mean forgetting your loved one or replacing old memories; it means acknowledging that your life has changed and adapting accordingly. Here are ways to honor both your past and your present:
Light a Memorial Candle
Set aside a special candle to light in memory of your loved one during holiday meals or celebrations, creating a tangible way to acknowledge their presence in your hearts.
Create a Memory Ornament or Display
Dedicate a special ornament, photo display, or memory box where family members can share favorite stories and keep your loved one's memory alive in your celebrations.
Donate or Volunteer in Their Honor
Channel your grief into helping others by volunteering at a cause your loved one cared about or donating to a charity in their name, creating meaning from loss.
Write Letters or Share Stories
Set aside time during the holidays for family members to write letters to your loved one or share favorite memories, allowing grief to be expressed openly and collectively.
Start Something Completely New
Give yourself permission to break from tradition entirely by traveling somewhere different, trying new activities, or creating fresh rituals that honor where you are now.
Cook Their Favorite Dish
Prepare a special recipe your loved one loved or create a new dish in their honor, keeping their tastes and preferences alive in your holiday meals.
The key is finding a balance that feels right for you. Some years you might want to maintain certain traditions, while other years you might need to do something completely different. Both are okay, and you can change your mind from year to year as your grief evolves.
Managing Family Dynamics
Grief affects everyone differently, and this can create tension within families during the holidays. While you might want to skip the big family gathering, someone else might desperately need it. Some family members might want to talk about your loved one constantly, while others prefer not to mention them at all. These different coping styles can lead to conflict and hurt feelings.
It's important to communicate your needs clearly without judging how others are grieving. You might say, "I need to leave the dinner early this year because being there without them is really painful for me. I hope you understand." Or perhaps, "I'd really appreciate if we could take a moment to share a favorite memory of them before the meal."
Sometimes family members avoid mentioning your loved one because they're afraid of making you sad. But for many grieving people, the worst thing is when everyone acts like the person never existed. It's okay to let your family know: "I actually find it comforting when we talk about them. Please don't feel like you can't mention their name around me."
If family dynamics are particularly difficult, it might be helpful to have a neutral third party, like a therapist, help facilitate these conversations. Our therapy for parents and family support services can help navigate these complex relationships during difficult times.
Self-Care During Difficult Seasons
Getting through the holidays while grieving requires intentional self-care. This isn't about bubble baths and face masks (though those are nice too), it's about meeting your fundamental physical and emotional needs during an incredibly difficult time. Here are essential strategies for taking care of yourself:
1. Plan Ahead for Difficult Moments
Identify which holiday events, traditions, or dates will be most challenging and create a plan for how you'll cope, including knowing when to leave or who to call for support.
2. Maintain Basic Physical Health
Grief is exhausting, so prioritize sleep, eat regular meals even when you don't feel hungry, limit alcohol use, and move your body gently through walks or stretching.
3. Set Clear Boundaries
Give yourself permission to say no to events, requests, or traditions that feel too overwhelming, and communicate these boundaries clearly to others without guilt.
4. Build Your Support Network
Identify specific people you can reach out to during difficult moments, whether friends, family members, support group members, or your therapist, and let them know you might need them.
5. Create a Quiet Space for Your Emotions
Schedule time alone to feel your feelings without pressure to be "on" for others, whether through journaling, crying, looking at photos, or simply sitting with your grief.
6. Limit Social Media Exposure
Recognize that social media's highlight reel of perfect holiday moments can intensify grief, and give yourself permission to step away from platforms that make you feel worse.
7. Practice Mindfulness and Grounding
When grief feels overwhelming, use grounding techniques like deep breathing, naming things you can see and touch, or focusing on the present moment rather than the past or future.
Remember that self-care isn't selfish. Taking care of yourself during this difficult time allows you to honor your loved one's memory while also continuing to live your life. If you're struggling with overwhelming emotions, our individual therapy services provide personalized support for your unique grief journey.
The Empty Chair
There's often a literal or metaphorical empty chair at holiday gatherings after loss. Some families choose to set an actual place at the table for their loved one, while others prefer not to have that physical reminder. Neither approach is right or wrong, but the absence is felt regardless.
Acknowledging the empty chair, in whatever way feels authentic to you, can actually be healing. It gives everyone permission to notice the absence rather than pretending everything is fine. You might share a toast in their honor, tell a funny story about past holidays together, or simply say, "We miss them, and it's okay to be sad about that."
The goal isn't to eliminate the pain of their absence. That's impossible and probably not even desirable. Instead, it's about finding ways to include their memory in your celebrations without being completely consumed by grief. You can miss them terribly and still find moments of connection, laughter, or peace during the holidays.
When Grief Resurfaces Years Later
Many people are surprised when grief hits hard again during holidays, even years after their loss. They thought they were "doing better" or had "moved on," but suddenly the holidays bring back intense feelings. This is completely normal and doesn't mean you've regressed in your healing.
Anniversary reactions are well-documented in grief literature. Certain dates, seasons, or triggers can bring back grief with surprising intensity, even when you've been managing well in daily life. The holidays are particularly potent triggers because they're tied to so many memories and traditions.
Be gentle with yourself if you find grief resurfacing years later. It doesn't mean you're not healing or that you'll never find peace. It simply means that love doesn't end with death, and sometimes we need to acknowledge our continuing bond with those we've lost. Our EMDR and trauma therapy can help process complicated grief and anniversary reactions that feel stuck or overwhelming.
Moving Through the Season with Compassion
Navigating holidays after loss is one of the most challenging experiences of grief. There's no perfect way to do it, no timeline for when it gets easier, and no magic solution that takes away the pain. What helps most is giving yourself permission to feel whatever you feel, to honor both your grief and your loved one's memory in whatever way feels authentic, and to ask for support when you need it.
At Be Seen Therapy, we understand the complexity of grief and how it intersects with life's demands and celebrations. Whether you need support through couples therapy as you and your partner grieve differently, or individual counseling to process your unique loss, we're here to walk alongside you. The holidays may never be quite the same, but with time and support, they can become bearable again, and you can find ways to honor both your loss and your continuing life.
At Be Seen Therapy, we believe that you are meant to be seen, heard, and validated on your healing journey. If you're ready to take the next step toward growth and transformation, we're here to support you; contact us today to schedule your consultation.
